Tiger Woods has blamed his poor start to this years US Open on the lack of sex he is getting off the course.
Woods, who starts today 10 over par, has come out and said “I need my hole, and I need my hole fast. This never happened when I was cheating on my wife.”
Current leaders, Dustin Johnson and Henrik Stenson, were reportedly seen coming out of a local brothel just hours before they teed off and their pre-game antics seem to be paying off.
“Where the fuck is that brothel? I need my hole to hit holes.” said Woods.
Tournament sports Psychologist, Prof. Ahmed Hoffman said “There is a direct link between hitting it rough and good and hitting it good in the rough. Getting their balls in the hole is the most important thing to golfers, without it how do you expect them to putt accurately on the green?”
Woods is not expected to have sex anytime over the coming weekend but has been given a large selection of pornography combined with a box of tissues and hand lotion. It is also reported that his primary sponsor, Nike, are to remove all ‘Just Do It’ slogans from Woods’ gear.