From shagging grannies to punching DJs, the class of 2006 were the biggest wrong ‘uns to wear the England shirt

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This is the most fancied England World Cup squad since Sven’s ill-fated Golden Generation went to Germany in 2006. But that’s where the similarities with Gareth’s likeable bunch end.

From shagging grannies to battering DJs, the class of ’06 were a bunch of absolute wrong uns…

Ashley Cole (LB)

Cole hit the headlines when he shagged (and threw up on) a hairdresser, but his true passion was threesomes with Jermaine Pennant. “We were high-fiving each other over her back. We had a little tea break and then went at it again,” Pennant recalled. Charming.

Rio Ferdinand (CB)

Rio’s a lovely bloke, but he did damage his reputation a little when he skipped a drug test to go shopping at Harvey Nichols. And then there’s the time he called DJ Chris Moyles a “faggot” live on Radio 1. The BBC later ruled it was “just banter”…

John Terry (CB)

When he wasn’t knocking up his teammates’ wives, Terry loved a big night out. But Tezza had a weird party trick: standing on the bar, pissing in a pint glass and dropping it. Romford’s Envy nightclub even caught him on CCTV, but sadly the footage has been lost.

Jamie Carragher (RB)

In what the tabloids called “the most debauched Christmas party ever”, Carragher smothered himself in whipped cream before shagging strippers with a Liverpool teammate. Michael Owen is said to have stood in the corner looking “stunned”.


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Steven Gerrard (CM)

Gerrard once ended up in court after punching a nightclub DJ who refused a request for his favourite song – a Phil Collins number. Gerrard said it was self defence, and was later acquitted.

Frank Lampard (CM)

The day after 9/11, Lamps went on a riotous suburban pub crawl with Chelsea teammates. Eventually the lads arrived at Heathrow’s Holiday Inn where they necked drinks and flashed their knobs at stranded American tourists until they were booted out.

David Beckham (RM, Captain)

No explanation required.

Wayne Rooney (ST)

Wazza and his wife Coleen have been together since they were 12, but Rooney now admits he was knobbing prostitutes from age 16. They included a rubber-suited granny who called herself ‘The Auld Slapper’. Rooney paid her £45 a pop.

Michael Owen (ST)

While his teammates were living a life of sin, Owen was gleefully smacking 22 consecutive volleys past a 13 year old from point blank range. “I just love volleying – poor old Jamie has no chance,” he chuckled.

Peter Crouch (ST)

On a mate’s stag do in Madrid, Crouch coughed up £800 for a blowjob in a taxi from prostitute Monica Mint. “Because he is so tall, his legs were squashed up,” she later recalled, before adding: “I don’t think Peter is good looking. But he is a nice person.”

David James (GK)

England’s keepers were as tame as they were useless, but Calamity James makes our XI with this brilliant excuse for his howlers. “I was getting carried away playing Tekken II and Tomb Raider for hours on end”, James explained. No wonder he only made the bench.

Sven Goran Eriksson (Manager)

Fittingly, England’s golden generation of wrong ‘uns were led by sex-mad Sven. The Swede’s reign included a fling with an FA secretary and a “fumble under the covers” with Ulrika Jonsson, who branded it “as exciting as assembling an IKEA bookcase”.

 


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Expect drunken antics, dressing room spats, and the simmering sexual tension engulfing the French football team.

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