Five things you’d never see in the UFC

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Five things you’d never see in the UFC; even blood-sport fighters have to follow rules, writes Ruairi O’Mahony.

5. Eye Gouging 

It’s quite obvious what’s going on here, Ribery is obviously looking for his keys – and we all know UFC fighters leave their keys with their friends before they enter the cage, so it would obviously never happen in the Octagon. Soccer 1, MMA 0.  Good thing Michael Phelps brought out a new range of goggles.

4. Biting 

Mike Tyson originally brought the limelight of how much damage biting during sport can really do, but I don’t think anything he could ever do could ever be as theatrical or comedic as this.  Soccer 1, MMA 0.  And they let under-7s play this? The Americans have the right idea with their helmets.

3. Headbutting 

After viewing this disturbing footage, we hope headbutting will soon be eradicated from motorcycle racing, as we simply can’t stand for all this seagull violence. It’s like the whole fight between the WWF and the WWE all over again.

https://twitter.com/BigSportGB/status/787410946151055360?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

While many headbutting offences happen in soccer quite regularly and often a gruesome and messy experience, such as above, we hope it is eradicated as soon as possible. Too many people are getting hurt. Soccer 1, MMA 0. While PETA may disagree, soccer takes the points from this round. 

2. Spitting –

https://twitter.com/ksheikhyassin17/status/573560373380407298?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

While the previous offences stated above are both violent and dangerous, we don’t think anything is quite as disrespectful as spitting, yet full marks to Papiss Cissé and his superb hugging techniques. Soccer 1, MMA 0. As hard as Papiss tries, mother’s old proverb of ‘you can solve any situation with a hug’ doesn’t seem to work.

1. Stomping/Groin attack –

This clip coming from Australia would make Eric Cantona proud. Obviously unintentional as the player clearly checks behind himself to make sure the coast is clear before he stamps in frustration, as he still isn’t over the recasting of VJ in Home and Away.  He shows both skill and determination managing to avoid any kind of sanction or suspension. Rugby 1, MMA 0. “The bigger they are… ..the harder you hit ’em” – Alf Stewart.

At the end of the round, way out in the lead with four points out of a possible five on the gruesome scale, is soccer with its hard to stomach Sunday League action. Second place goes to the tame rugby crowd down-under with just one point. In last place with a measly zero points, MMA. I guess it isn’t so bad after all, Ma.

Bonus round: Points are going for niceties.

One word of advice for worried parents out there, if your child starts learning Mixed Martial Arts it’s not the end of the world, they’re just big sweet-hearts in wolf clothing. As Sean O’Connell shows. MMA 1 Soccer 0. The final nail in the coffin.

MMA, a gurriers’ game played by gentlemen. Soccer, a gentlemen’s game played by gurriers.